Sunday, July 11, 2004

Brain Pain

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache. In fact, it was the headache that woke me up. It’s either a sinus headache or the beginning of a migraine because drinking my usual morning coffee didn’t get rid of it, so it’s not a caffeine withdrawal headache. I took some aspirin-free Excedrin about an hour ago and it’s helping a little. The miserable pounding is now down to a dull throb. I’m just hoping it will clear up soon. I hate having headaches. The only thing worse is a toothache or an earache. Any of the three can render you totally useless. Pain in other areas of the body can usually be tolerated, even if unpleasant, but when you have pain in your head, you can’t seem to function. It totally wipes you out and all you want to do is take something and knock yourself out until the pain is gone.

If it’s the start of a migraine, I’ve got a pretty good idea what’s triggering it. I’ve been under a lot of stress in recent weeks and yesterday was kind of a rollercoaster day emotionally. The stress is coming from a combination of things. My sister is selling her house, which means I have no idea where I’m going to be living soon. I’ve also been stressed out waiting to hear if my disability claim will be approved. I’m also experiencing some stress and frustration with my progress in dealing with the depression and social anxiety. I’m getting better, slowly, but I’m at a stage where I’m getting anxious about wanting to be well and afraid of getting well at the same time. As miserable as being isolated is sometimes, the thought of going back out into the world and taking responsibility for my life is really scary. It’s safe hiding here in my room.

Then, of course, there is yesterday. I got up in the morning to find that my neighbor’s cat had been hit by a car and was laying out in front of my house. I was very upset by that. I LOVE animals and it tears my heart out when one is injured or killed. I can’t stand to see it and it’s worse when I know the animal that died. I knew my neighbor’s cat and he was such a sweet little guy. His name was Percival and he used to come over and sit on our porch and look in the glass door at us. I’d go out and sit on the porch with him and he’d roll over so I could scratch his belly. He was so loveable and affectionate. I was crushed to see him lying in the road, dead.

I went next door to get my neighbor but she wasn’t home. I couldn’t stand to leave Percy laying in the road, so I got a box from our basement and, with the help of another neighbor, got him into the box and moved him up into our yard. I didn’t want to leave him in the neighbor’s yard because I didn’t want her to come home and find her dead cat in a box with no explanation. I watched for her all morning and when she got home, I went over and broke the news to her as gently as I could. It’s wasn’t an easy thing to do. My social anxiety makes it very difficult to deal with people at all and I definitely didn’t know how to deal with my neighbor when she started to cry. It was very upsetting to me. I ended up coming back home and crying for quite a while myself. It was definitely not a good start to the day.

At least the sadness was somewhat balanced out later in the day when I got a letter from the Social Security Disability office containing some good news. I have been approved as Medically Disabled, which was the major hurdle we needed to overcome in getting my disability claim approved. All they have to do now is check my eligibility for disability and then my claim will be formally approved. I already know I’m eligible because the social security clerk checked that for me when I first filed the claim, so this verification is pretty much just a formality on their part before they issue the check and start my benefits. I’m very excited about it but don’t want to get my hopes up completely until I have that final notice stating that I AM approved.

Once it’s approved and I start receiving benefits, it will solve a lot of my problems and help tremendously in my treatment. For one thing, I’ll have income which means I can get into low-income housing and that will solve my living arrangements problem. I’ll be able to get a car, too. That will help my treatment a lot! Once I no longer have to rely on others for rides to my appointments, I can increase my sessions to twice a week as recommended instead of the once every other week that I’m going now. I can also start participating in some of the other programs that I’ve had to turn down because of an inability to get there, like the group therapy and stuff. Finally, I will be able to take care of my own expenses and not have to rely on my Mother anymore. My mother and I have a very dysfunctional relationship and being dependent on her and under her control has been a major stumbling block to my progress. Getting free of her will help me a lot and, hopefully, we’ll someday be able to develop a healthier relationship with each other. At the very least, she will no longer be able to jerk my life around.

Anyway, that’s a bit of what’s been going on with me. A lot of ups and downs. At least I know the anti-depressant I’ve been taking is working. Stress like this used to completely incapacitate me and leave me a depressed emotional mess. It’s still not easy to deal with but I am getting better at coping and that is a good sign. At this rate, I might actually find myself HAPPY some day. That would be really great. It’s hard to remember what that feels like sometimes.

 

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