Thursday, September 02, 2004

Celebration of Small Successes

I’ve been very proud of myself since yesterday. I took what some might think of as a small step towards conquering my anxiety but, for me, was a very big step. I attended my first group meeting with COVA, which is the organization I am working with in my rehabilitation.

It was a very scary thing for me to do. I was so worried about what might happen at this group. Would I panic? Would I make a fool of myself? Would everyone there ignore me or, worse, make fun of me and think I was weird? My last attempt at a group meeting, made prior to taking Lexapro, was not very successful, which only contributed to my fears about this group. The night before, I got almost no sleep. I was filled with anxiety and almost every part of me wanted to call and make an excuse to get out of going. It was miserable. But, there’s that one little part of me that is trying so hard to get well. It pushes me to keep going. It was that little part of me that stopped me from canceling. It was that little part of me that made me go in spite of my fear and I’m glad I did.

As usual, I was the first person to arrive (I’m always early for everything) and I was a nervous wreck as other people arrived and took their seats around the table. I was shaky and sweating and nauseous. When it came time to go around the room and introduce ourselves, I barely squeaked out my name, but no one seemed to notice. They just went on around the table, each person telling the others who they were. Pretty soon, everyone was talking, laughing, and asking each other questions. They included me in the conversation right along with the others and before I knew it, I wasn’t quite so scared anymore. It felt good to be part of the group. By the time it ended, 2 hours later, I was almost disappointed to leave. I was enjoying myself. I felt accepted, something I haven’t felt in a long time. It seemed lonely to come home to this empty apartment.

I’m proud of myself because I challenged my anxiety and this time I won. If I can do it this time, I can do it again and each time I face it and win, I will gain more confidence in my ability to do it the next time. Eventually, fear won’t run my life anymore and that’s a HUGE step towards progress.

i really CAN do it!

 

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