Sunday, June 13, 2004

Silent Shadow

Depression is a frustrating, relentless hunter. No matter what I do or how much improvement I make, there is always this huge, black shadow hanging over my life just waiting for something to knock me down, so it can pounce on me and swallow me up in that black cloud of misery. I feel overwhelmed and smothered by the least little thing. I often wonder if I’ll ever be free of it. Or will I have to fight this monster for the rest of my life?

I’m so tired of struggling to get my life under control only to find myself right back at the bottom of the pit. I thought I was doing so well. I really did. And then my fish died and I feel as if the fragile foundation I was standing on was ripped right out from under me. I know it’s ok to be sad over the loss of a pet, even if it was just a goldfish, but this feeling of being crushed and hopeless over that loss is too much. Even I can see that. I just can’t seem to pull myself up out of it.

For two days now, all I’ve done is sleep or lay on the bed and stare into space. I’ve slept anywhere from 12 to 14 hours each night and when I wake up, all I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep. I just don’t want to get up. I’ve tried to read and end up giving up because I just can’t concentrate. I’ve tried to write for my other journals but can’t seem to get the words out. I’ve had the TV on almost the entire 2 days but I find myself staring at the screen and I have no idea what I’ve watched. I just feel empty, completely and totally empty inside. I just want to crawl into a corner somewhere and disappear.

This depression really scares me. If I can’t handle the death of a goldfish without spiraling into a pit of blackness, how will I ever make it out in the real world? Am I ever going to have a life again? Will I ever be free of this silent shadow that relentlessly stalks my life?

 

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