Friday, July 09, 2004

Slipped Off The Wagon Again

I haven’t been doing very well in my weight loss efforts for the past couple of weeks. I skipped a day of my ab exercises and before I knew it, a day had become a week and then two weeks, and now, who knows how long it’s been. I haven’t been doing any exercises at all. On top of that, I’ve slipped back into my habit of eating too much junk food, like Doritos, chips, and cookies, and I’ve been overeating at meals, too.

Last night I made baked chicken breast and baked potatoes, both very healthy foods when eaten in moderation, but it tasted so good, I just kept eating and eating until I nearly made myself sick. I was so stuffed, I felt like a simple sneeze could have caused me to explode. I was bloated and miserable all evening. I don’t know why I do that and I get so frustrated with myself when I do. Why do I get so obsessed with food sometimes? Why can’t I stop myself from eating when I’m satisfied like normal people do? Why do I keep sabotaging my own efforts to lose weight? It’s almost as if some part of me deep inside is afraid of getting thin again.

I need to figure out why I’m afraid to lose the weight. What is making me want to stay fat? What am I so afraid of? I think part of it is my fear that I’ll lose the weight and people still won’t love me or even like me. Right now, when people are rude or cruel to me, I can brush it off as them being prejudiced toward fat people. If I’m thin and people still don’t like me, it will be because it’s ME that isn’t worthy. My weight is another social anxiety shelter that I subconsciously use to protect myself from being approached by people in social situations. If I’m thin and attractive again, people might want to talk to me and that scares me. Being alone is lonely but it’s safe. Being fat is also safe. It’s miserable and I hate it, but at least I KNOW what to expect every day. Being thin again is an unknown, a very scary unknown.

How do I stop being afraid?

 

(0) Comments •