Friday, April 09, 2004

Who I Am

Statistics:
Height: 5'3"
Weight: 265 lbs.
Waist: 47½"
Hips: 58"
Chest: 51"
Neck:17"
Right Upper Arm: 16"
Left Upper Arm: 16"
Right Thigh: 28"
Left Thigh: 28"


I'm humiliated and embarassed to admit that those are my current body statistics. I don't know my cholesterol level, my percentage of body fat or my BMI but I'm sure they are all on the very high side. I know my blood pressure is elevated these days. I haven't seen a doctor for it yet, but I've done self checks at those do-it-yourself machines found in most department stores and it's always in the high zone. One of the hardest things for me to face or admit is that I'm morbidly obese. Those words just sound horrible. MORBID! As in deadly. As in, this weight is going to kill me if I don't do something about it.

I guess that's where this journal comes in. I've finally reached the point where I want to do something about it. I need help. I'm going to go to the doctor next week and get myself checked out and then talk to the doctor about doing something about this weight. I'm even considering the possibility of gastric bypass surgery. It's major, risky surgery but if it will ultimately save my life and give me a better quality of life, it would be worth the risk. I want this journal to be a place where I can come to write about what I'm going through. A record of my feelings and, eventually, my progress. I named the journal "i CAN do it" because I want it to be a constant reminder to me that I CAN do this. My life is not hopeless and it's not over unless I choose to give up and I'm not going to do that.

In addition to my weight issue, I am also suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression. I am already getting counseling for those issues and may begin taking anti-depressants soon and I want this journal to be a place where I can talk about my progress with that as well. I think getting myself into better physical condition will go a long way to improving my mental condition. When you feel bad physically and hate what you see when you look in the mirror, it's very hard to not be depressed. As for my Social Anxiety, I don't think I'll ever be an outgoing person, but I'd like to get to a point where I at least have enough confidence and self-esteem that I don't feel humiliated every time I come in contact with another human being.

So, that's who I am right now. My goal is to change who I am into who I want to be. This journal is my journey to that goal. I CAN do it!

 

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